


Scars Are the Clothing of the Heart

by Fanofthearts



Series: Scars are the Clothing of the Heart [1]
Category: Holby City
Genre: AU, F/F, Fluff, Mutual Pining, Scars, child birth
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-01-13
Updated: 2019-01-14
Packaged: 2019-10-09 17:32:10
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 8,214
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17411216
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Fanofthearts/pseuds/Fanofthearts
Summary: Bernie and Serena are witnesses to each others scars





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for week two of the Weekly Berena Fix. The prompt was scars.
> 
> Good lord I've written a baby fic...who am I even?!
> 
> Thank you as always to my ever prompt and amazing beta Iordio

“Please, John had to go in, he had no choice and I really don’t want to miss a class.” The voice on the other line paused, “Please?”

Bernie groaned, she did not want to go to an antenatal class. Honestly, it was the last thing on earth she wanted to do. She was at the age where all of her friends had started having children. Being a lesbian she knew her chances for a child were slim and honestly she was okay with that. She didn’t dislike kids, but she had never thought of them enough to want them. 

Lise was her best friend from university, they had started together and worked their way up the ranks, both currently working at St. James, while Bernie had decided on emergency medicine, Lise had opted for obs and gynae. Her husband John was also a doctor and had been called in at the last minute, he said would meet them there as soon as he could.  


Lise explained that they needed partners for the class, even if John came later she needed someone for the first half. Never one to say no easily Bernie found herself in the passenger seat of Lise and John’s battered Volvo being driven to sit in to a room full of pregnant women. 

The room was large with a wall of mirrors and too warm for Bernie’s standards. It was worse than she feared. Mats everywhere, woman and men cuddling with each other stroking large bellies, magnolia with a feature wall adorned in pastel stripes. Bernie felt completely out of place as she shifted from foot to foot, watching Lise collect a mat from the pile and get sidetracked on her way back.

Bernie glanced at her watch; it was early, the class started at seven but yet they were here at half past six, ‘to prepare’ Lise said. “More like gossip.” Bernie muttered and moved over to a wall to read one of the posters hanging up about winding a baby. It took her exactly eight minutes to get through the few posters hanging around, her route had taken her back to the door she came in where a woman, heavily pregnant, was struggling to get her coat off. “Here.” She said reaching out and pulling the coat free from the woman’s arms, she draped the coat over her arm and reached out to take her scarf. The woman smiled and passed it to Bernie to hang up. “Thank you.”  


Bernie smiled, “You’re welcome.” She smoothed her hands down her dark wash jeans, suddenly she wished she had taken the time to put on some mascara and run a brush through her shoulder length hair.

“You’re new here…you’re not.” She gestured to Bernie causing the blonde to let out a bark of laughter.

“Yeah… um no, Lise,” she motioned to her friend across the room who was talking animatedly to a woman a brightly patterned sweater. “Her husband got called in, so I’m filling in tonight.” She smiled at the woman who grinned back. She had the warmest eyes she had ever seen, they sparkled in the harsh fluorescent lights, her skin was glowing; something Bernie had thought was a myth of pregnant woman until her. She felt a pull of attraction and forced herself to push it away, this woman was obviously straight.

“Oh! You’re Lise’s friend, she’s lovely, isn’t she? She works with my husband, he’s an anesthetist at St. James.”

‘Straight and married, leave it.’ She told herself. “I work there too, in the ED. Bernie Wolfe.” She held out her hand and watched as the woman’s hair moved in synch at the shaking her hand. The long dark chestnut locks all but beckoned her to run her fingers through them. Her skin was impossibly soft under her fingers. Her cream sweater was a tad big even for her large frame, it made her seem almost small.

“Ah! A fellow medic! Serena McKin….. sorry, Serena Campbell, Vascular surgeon at Holby.”

“Small world,” Bernie smiled, finally forcing herself to let go of Serena’s hand. They stood and talked for a bit, finding they had a surprising amount in common. Never much of a talker, she found it easy with Serena, who was charming and warm. She wanted to keep the conversation going, loathe to leave her when it came time for the class to start. Bernie found Serena to be wickedly funny and had her honking more than once. Just as the teacher called the class to places John flew in the door behind Bernie.

“John. What are you doing here?” She questioned surprised.

“The call was nothing, ended up being a bad case of indigestion so I came here as quick as I could, good thing right? You’re off the hook.” He gave her an affectionate wink, knowing this was not Bernie’s cup of tea.

She felt relieved that she didn’t have to participate in all the heavy breathing and god knows what else she would have went through tonight but felt disappointed leaving Serena. 

“Thanks John.” She squeezed his arm turning back to her new acquaintance. “Well, looks like I need to call a cab.” She shoved her hands into her pockets and rocked back on her heels.

She found Serena looking over her shoulder expectantly at the door, “My husband, Edward,” She fiddled with a shiny silver chain around her neck, “He should have been here by now. Idiot man, he buggered off last time too.” She rubbed her eyes flicking them down to her watch, the classes were useful, yet she found that she was getting little out of them. She had five more left and with previous four she and Edward attended she found him staring at the instructor more than actually helping her do anything. Last week when he hadn’t showed up she had slipped off home before anyone knew she was missing, Edward had been ‘working late’. She pushed away the feeling of anxiety in her stomach, she refused to allow herself to think what he had really been doing. 

“Umm… apparently I’m out of a job.” She motioned to where John settled on the floor next to Lise. “Unless…” She couldn’t believe what she was offering but she found she didn’t want to leave Serena, not yet.

“Really?” Hopeful eyes turned towards her and Bernie felt her heart swoop. 

“Sure, but just so you know I have no clue what I’m doing.” Bernie cringed internally. Was she really doing this? Had it really been that long since she had been on a date? She was willing to put herself through a baby class for a pretty woman she only just met. 

Serena shrugged, “The instructor will tell you.” She interlaced their fingers and pulled her towards a pile of mats. Bernie picked up a blue one and laid it down in an open space in the second row and held out her hand to help Serena onto the ground. She met Lise’s confused look and shrugged. 

The class made Bernie slightly uneasy, there was a lot of touching, a great deal of pushing on each other, hand holding and heavy breathing. A few times she found her eyes straying to Serena’s chest heaving up and down, the curve of her face and her the swell of her stomach. She felt her face heat and tore her eyes away. Once she swore she saw Serena’s eyes glued down her loose fitting shirt, but she couldn’t be sure. The class ended with the husband giving the wife a shoulder massage. Serena turned to tell Bernie she didn’t have to but Bernie waved her off. 

“I’ve been told I have pretty good hands.” She winked feeling her face flush at her bold words. 

Nodding Serena turned back around and settled onto the mat, Bernie grabbed a foam block and sat on it giving her leverage above Serena. When her fingers first kneaded into the soft skin under Serena’s off the shoulder shirt Bernie knew she was in trouble, ever so glad Serena was facing away from her so she couldn’t see her face.  
After the ten minutes of pure delicious torture was over Bernie helped Serena up and insisted she sit in a chair while she put the equipment away. She sat next to her waiting for John and Lise to finish talking with the instructor. 

“Thank you so much! Your hands are amazing, good is an understatement.” Serena reached out and squeezed her fingers in her lap. “You.., you have no idea how much you staying with me meant.” She had tears in her eyes as she looked up into Bernie’s face.

“Hey, no problem.” She squeezed her back, “I had a good time, and it was educational.”

Serena smiled, “Umm…if Edward buggers off next week… I know this is very odd and a bit of a daft request… but you were so nice and don’t seem to crack under pressure, but… would you mind being my support?” She finished in a rush. “I know it’s usually the husband, and you’re a surgeon, you’re busy and we are strangers, and it’s a silly thing to ask but.., I just…” The words tumbled out of her mouth before she could stop them. 

Bernie felt her heart bloom, “I’d love to.” She cut her off. She grabbed her coat and pulled out one of her cards, “My home phone is on the back, call me? We can get next week arranged.” She shrugged her coat on and reached for Serena’s helping her into it. 

The brunette beamed up at her. “Thank you.”

Bernie saw Lise and John headed their way, “Are you okay going home on your own?”

Serena smirked at her, “I am pregnant Dr. Wolfe not an invalid.” 

“No! No that’s not what I-“ She stopped when she saw Serena’s grin.

“Thank you again Bernie.” She squeezed her hand, leaning in to kiss her cheek, “I’ll be in touch.” With one last glance she headed out into the night.  
Watching her go Bernie felt a smile of her own tugging on her lips, her cheek tingling. She could feel Lise’s eyes burning into her back, it was going to be a long night.

__

 

Serena called the next day asking Bernie if she could take her out to dinner as a thank you. Bernie played her off telling her she owed her nothing but Serena was insistent. Finally relenting against the insistent vascular surgeon, Bernie found herself utterly charmed by Serena Campbell. What started out as agreeing to support her, to what seemed like her husband’s relief, had started to progress into something more. 

She learned that Serena had married him because she felt she had to, they had only been together eight months before she found herself pregnant. He was funny, charming, and attractive at first, had quite literally swept her off her feet, but after the wedding things began to go south. He drank more and more, and seemed to pick up many extra shifts in preparation for the baby, but Serena didn’t notice a difference in their joint bank account. The more she told Bernie about Edward the more she disliked him. She started asking around the hospital about him and that opinion only intensified. 

Bernie managed to get her shifts arranged so she had every Thursday evening off. They went to dinner before the next class having found themselves on the phone for two hours the night before. She ignored Lise’s warning that day at work. “She’s straight Bernie, don’t fall for her.” Bernie feared she was too late.

“I won’t, I don’t even like children.” And yet the next week she found herself at Debenhams looking at baby toys, books, and clothes. 

The remaining classes glided by in a blur of breathing, late night dinners, and massages. Bernie found herself reading everything she could get her hands on about childbirth and the effects on the body. One evening Serena was over at Bernie’s flat, she had just come up for tea after dinner. The last class was the night before and Bernie had taken her out to celebrate. The six weeks had flown by and Serena’s due date was fast approaching, as every day passed she looked more and more uncomfortable. Dark circles under her eyes from the hours of sleep she was missing, swollen ankles, and an angry back that Bernie had rubbed after every dinner and class to try to give her some kind of relief. Bernie had just set the tea down when Serena groaned. 

“Okay?” She asked her hand going between Serena’s shoulder blades.

“Yes, just some back pain. Mind if I walk down the hall for a bit? That usually helps it.”

“Sure.” Bernie flicked on the TV and let Serena use her knee to push herself up. Her eyes tracked her as she paced up and down wincing occasionally. After a bit she sat back down  
next to her watching the mindless show that was playing taking a sip of her cooled tea. She leaned her head onto Bernie’s shoulder having a hard time keeping her drooping eyes open. 

“I’m so tired Bernie.” She shifted again trying to get comfortable. “I hate being pregnant, don’t ever get pregnant.”

Bernie just chuckled and slipped her arm around Serena’s shoulders, settling her in more comfortably before turning back to the TV.  
A few minutes later she jumped. “Ow!” 

“Serena?” Bernie turned to her the panic obvious in her eyes.

“It’s, it’s too soon, it can’t be!” She doubled over at the waist. “Owww! What the hell!!”

“No, no it’s not, you’re due in two weeks, it’s normal to be a bit off.” Bernie sprang up. “Oh my god.” She smiled, “Yo-, you’re in labour!”

Serena struggled to lean forward, “Not necessarily it… it could just be Braxton Hicks. Oh! Shit!”

“We’re going to the hospital.”

“Bernie-.“

“No, we are going to the hospital.”

Serena sighed, “Let me call Edward, he can go by the house and get my bag.” Bernie pulled the phone over, the cord sliding across the floor. She called the hospital and had him paged, “I think the baby is coming.” She said into the phone when he finally picked up. 

She pursed her lips. “No, I’m over at Bernie’s, we had dinner. Yes, anyway look could you run home and bring my bag over to Holby. Edward we discussed this I’m having the baby at Holby. Yes, I know the first one usually takes a while, but you never know, she might not wait.” She rubbed her forehead. “The baby is inside of my body Edward, I will use whatever pronoun I want until SHE makes her appearance into this world.” 

She felt Bernie’s hand on her back rubbing slow circles and melted into it. “Fine, you know what I’ll get Bernie to call you when it gets closer, yes, it’s in the wardrobe, right hand side. Yes, bye.” She slammed the phone down as another wave of pain shot through her. “Of all the bloody stupid decisions I’ve ever made in this life. Going out with him and then marrying the prick is the worst.” 

Her hand fell to her stomach and rubbed, she glanced over at Bernie. “I think this little one wants to meet you.” She smiled at Bernie remembering last week when she had insisted she read a story to the baby. Serena’s heart had melted as Bernie pulled her close and after asking permission had tentatively rubbed her belly while she read Guess How Much I Love You. Serena had tried her best to hide her tears but she had never felt so loved and cared for in her life. After the story was over she made no move to pull away and had fallen asleep against Bernie’s shoulder until she gently waked her to go home. 

Bernie stood and held a hand out to Serena, she was calmer but she could see Bernie buzzing, she’d be lying if she wasn’t scared too. “C’mon, let’s head to the hospital?”

__

Bernie was glad Serena worked at Holby, she made it clear Bernie was to stay with her, not made to sit in the waiting room. She knew at any other hospital she would have to, but seven hours in and Bernie was perched in a chair next to Serena holding her hand. She bit her lip as Serena squeezed her through a contraction. She had told her to breathe one too many times, last time she was told ever so gracefully to shut up. Collapsing back on the bed panting, Serena stared at Bernie, “This is hell, I’m in hell.”

Bernie tried to hide her smile reaching forward she brushed Serena’s sweaty fringe from her forehead and picked up a cup with a few ice chips in it, offering it to her lips. She got a tired smile as a thanks. “She’ll be here soon enough, that will make all this not matter.”

__

 

Eight hours later and one call to Edward later they were still waiting. Bernie had called into work, feeling only slightly guilty. “Still at five centimeters Ms. Campbell.” The doctor wheeled back on his stool from between her legs and looked at her chart marking the measurement down looking at the clock, “I’m giving you one more dose of Pitocin, if that doesn’t speed anything up in the next hour we will have to go in.”

“Bernie.” Serena held her hand out to the other woman who was standing across the room looking out at the early dawn sky. 

She took her hand in hers, “Its okay, caesareans happen all the time, I’ll be right there in theatre with you.” She gave a pointed look to the doctor who nodded. 

“As long as you scrub in, we only let one person in theatre, that’s usually the father….”

“Yes well the father seems to have gone MIA.” Serena snapped and hissed as her body convulsed. She had called Edward a few hours ago, told him she was dilated to four and to come over. There was no sign of him. 

After the doctor left Bernie sat down on the edge of the bed and ran a cool washcloth over Serena’s face. “Well, look on the bright side if they have to cut her out you won’t feel it.”

Serena pinned her with a glare before her face softened, “I’m scared Bernie.” Her hand went to her stomach, “What if something happens to her.”

“Hey, hey.” Bernie’s hand went to hers on her stomach, “It won’t, these are good doctors and I’ll be right there. I’ll have you know I’ve delivered a few babies by emergency C-Section in the ED, if I have to deliver her myself I will.” They looked at each other and soft smiles crept across their faces before Serena’s grimaced in pain. 

“Ugh, I’m so sick of this! I’m so tired Bernie, so so tired.” Her eyes closed and she felt Bernie’s fingers gently trailing up and down her arm avoiding her IV. 

“Just try to doze between the contractions, nice slow breathes.” It worked for a few minutes Serena drifting gently before she was woken again. 

__

 

Two hours later Bernie finally went and found the doctor, Serena still hadn’t progressed any further and they began prepping her for surgery. Bernie stood in the corner of the room as she watched Serena’s gown lifted and her stomach washed with iodine. She’d never seen her bare stomach before and suddenly it made it all the more real. She swallowed hard against the lump in her throat and stepped forward once the nursing team vacated the room. Following the bed down a long corridor towards theatre, the doctor told her where to scrub in and she quickly donned a gown and cap before entering the operating room. Serena had been given an epidural and had a paper guard up in front of her face so she couldn’t see anything below her chest. They had a cap on her head and Bernie laughed at the leopard print. “What’s this then?” Her gloved fingers gently brushed sticky forehead.

“Oh, one of my nurses brought my scrub cap up for me.” Serena smiled, “A touch of luck I suppose.” She took a shaky breath, “Did you try Edward again?”  
Bernie nodded, “No answer at your home number.”

Serene shrugged and reached for Bernie’s hand, “Just you and me then.”

Bernie threaded their fingers and watched as the doctor lifted his scalpel. “Ready Ms. Campbell? You’re going to feel a pressure…”

Bernie had never been squeamish in theatre before, but watching the scalpel slice into Serena’s skin scarring it forever, made her slightly woozy. She blinked and looked back into Serena’s eyes, “It’s okay,” She said more for her sake than Serena’s, seeing her cut open, witnessing the blood flowing from her body was almost too much. Her fingers ran along the bumps of Serena’s knuckles, “How are you doing?”

Serena gave a tight nod, “I’m okay, just a lot of pressure.” She winched, “It doesn’t hurt, it just feels… disconcerting.” Time seemed to blur; flying by yet standing still.

“Almost there Serena.” The doctor muttered after a bit, he asked for a clamp. “This honour usually goes to the father but Doctor Wolfe, would you like to the cut the cord?”

Bernie looked at Serena and found her smiling through the tears gathering in her eyes. She squeezed Serena’s hand before letting go and stepping down to the middle of the bed.  
She watched as the uterus was cut and a little baby was pulled from inside. She watched in awe as she, it was a she, was pulled free. “It’s girl Serena!” Bernie all but squealed.  
Her iron hands, hands that had saved so many, who never shook in theatre, quaked as she took the clamp from the doctor’s gloved hands. She applied the clamp and took the scissors, pressing down hard and she felt it give way. The delivery nurse handed her a sterile towel and the baby was pressed into it. Everything around Bernie faded away as she stared down at the tiny, small child in her hands. She moved and started to cry, a loud wail making them all jump. Bernie laughed, smiling so hard beneath her mask she felt as though her cheeks could crack. She could sense the wetness on them, she moved up towards Serena and placed the baby on her bare chest. 

“Oh.” Serena looked down at her with a look Bernie had never seen before. She watched Serena’s face as she gazed at her daughter and felt something warm spread through her chest, it was unlike anything she had ever felt before. A fierce protection, a ferocious love spread through her. She gently pushed Serena’s fringe back. “Oh Bernie she’s so perfect.” She leaned down and gently kissed the baby’s head.

The nurse stepped between the two of them and gently picked up the crying baby. “We need to take her stats, Ms. Campbell”

The both nodded watching as the baby was placed on a sterile weighing table. Bernie turned back to Serena’s face after glancing the doctor stitching up her abdomen with a long line of sutures. Without thinking she leaned down and gently kissed Serena’s forehead, her gloved hand feeling odd rubbing against her bare shoulder. “Congratulations Mummy.” Pulling off her glove she reached out and brushed the tears off Serena’s face. “I’m so proud of you.” She kissed her cheek, watching Serena’s eyes flutter close, her eyelashes casting a shadow against her cheeks. Her heart ached at her beauty, her hands slid into her hair, fingernails gently scratching her scalp.

“Do you have a name picked out?” The nurse called. 

Bernie pulled back, they had never discussed names. “Elinor Rose.” Serena said looking up into Bernie’s eyes. They smiled.

__

 

Bernie held Elinor back in the room and gently rocked her in the chair, cooing at the baby while Serena looked on. It was a peculiar feeling, watching her best friend, her most loved person in the world holding her child in her arms. A while later the baby was put in the nursery to allow Serena to get some sleep, she had tried to breastfeed, but it was hard. Serena loathed to let her daughter leave her sight, but she was exhausted. 

The nurse suggested they try nursing again later. Serena nodded in defeat and had tried to make Bernie go home but she wouldn’t leave her. “I will later, I’ll stop at your place and get your bag, after I know the epidural has worn off, try to sleep Serena.” Bernie had curled herself in the chair in the corner of Serena’s room, pulling out a bit to be closer to the bed. A nurse had brought her in a foot stool which made it a bit more comfortable, Serena watched as Bernie drifted to sleep. She couldn’t take her eyes off of her, unable to believe her luck of find her, how the past six weeks had changed her life so quickly. Her most love person, the person she could suddenly see herself spending the rest of her life with, building a little family. Ellie in a few years, running across the back garden into Bernie’s arms. The blonde dropping to her knees to scoop her up, squealing as she swung her high in the air. She herself was just drifting off when she heard someone stumble into the room. “Rena.”

Serena’s eyes snapped to the door, Edward stood there clutching a brown teddy bear with a balloon tied to it. The balloon was blue. “Edward.”

His voice was quiet as if he was scared to speak too loudly. “I’m sorry, the lads took me out to celebrate and I had a few too many, they got me home and well...” He gestured to his throbbing head. “I got here as soon as I could…” He gestured to her still swollen belly, “Are you still in labour? You’ve been at it nearly 24 hours!”

Bernie stirred her eyes falling on Edward. She had met him just once, a night she had picked Serena up for class he met her at the door. Thanked her for going in his place, he said she would understand it better then him because she was a woman after all.

“The baby has been born Edward. You’re about an hour too late.”

“He has! Where is he?” He looked around the room.

“SHE, is in the nursery, I had to have a caesarean, they will bring her up later after I get a bit of a rest.”

“A girl?” Bernie watched his shoulders droop, her eyes automatically cut to Serena and saw her tense.

“Yes, a little girl, she’s perfect. She has Serena’s nose.” She stood and moved to Serena’s bedside. 

“Oh, hi Bernie.”

The room fell quiet. 

After a long pause Edward sat the bear down on the table. 

“Edward.” Bernie was startled by the sweetness in Serena’s voice. “Why don’t you head home love, you look exhausted.”

Edward nodded absently and rubbed his head. “Yeah… yeah it was a long night.” He looked at his watch, “perhaps I’ll go home, sleep it off. I’ll be back in the morning.” He absently kissed Serena’s cheek before leaving. 

They both watched him go. Silence stretched on. 

Serena’s shuttering sobs broke the stillness. Bernie sat gently on the bed by her hip and took her hand. “Oh Bernie, what am I going to do.” Until he walked in the room she had completely forgotten about him, she was so wrapped up in a bubble of happiness. 

The blonde stood and gently lifted Serena’s feet and moved them over to the right side of the bed, she motioned to Serena, “Can you scooch over?” Serena pushed her upper body over and Bernie toeing her shoes off and lay alongside Serena slipping an arm around her shoulders and pulled her into her. “We’ll figure it out.”

“I don’t want to try to work it out with him, I want it done. I don’t know what he’ll do! If he’ll try for custody, if he’ll try for the house… Oh god! Bernie no one can take Elinor from me!”

“Hey, hey, hey, slow down. No one will take her from you, I promise you that. As for the house, if you can’t afford it you can move in to mine, there is plenty of room for you both.”

Serena chuckled humourlessly into Bernie’s shoulder. “You don’t want a new born and her mother moving in with you, cramping your style.”

“Ha! Cramping my style. Right!” She ran her palm up and down Serena’s arm, “I’d love to have you, both of you.” She pressed her lips to Serena’s hair and pulled her tight. “I love you both, you’re always welcome. We’ll figure it out. If you’ll have me Serena I won’t go anywhere.”

Tucking her head under Bernie’s chin she nodded finally let herself sleep surrounded by Bernie.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This thing took on a life of its own it was supposed to be a little 1000 word shot...welp.
> 
> Thanks again to Iordio

Eleven months later

\--

The sun was warm against Bernie’s bare arms as she pushed a giggling Elinor higher in the swing. It was a beautiful summer late afternoon. They had the little park, not far from her house to themselves. There were three empty swings next to them rocking softly in the light breeze. It was just a little postage stamp of a park, swings, a slide, and a little merry-go-round off to one side. Serena was due off at three, Bernie had left a note scribbled on the counter to come meet them in the park if she wasn’t too tired. It was Bernie’s Sunday, and Serena’s Monday. Opposite shifts made caring for a child hard but they were making it work. Bernie grabbed the swing, stilling it and readjusting Ellie’s bonnet before pushing her forward again, the swing squeaked at the motion. She took a deep breath of the warm air and reminded herself this was her life. How quickly it had all changed. 

After Ellie was born Edward had come back the next day bearing flowers and a baby blanket trying to assuage for his behaviour of earlier. Bernie excused herself from the room ignoring Serena’s pleas not to leave. She needed to think and she needed to not be at the hospital if Serena took him back. Lise’s words echoed in her head as she drove home, 

“Don’t ever fall for a straight girl Bernie, just don’t do it.”

She’d done it once before of course, everyone had, as a fresher she had fallen for her best friend. She had stupidly hidden it for years until one night after a few too many she had kissed her. The sting of her slap still scarred her. Shaking her head out of the memory she dialled Lise. 

Much to her chagrin she found herself outpouring all the emotion of the last 24 hours over the phone telling her what had happened, how Edward had never shown up and how she had got to cut the cord. “You’re in love with her aren’t you?” She asked after Bernie’s sobs had slowed, there was no judgment in her tone, just warmth and fact.

“No, I’m in love with them.” Her fingers wound tightly around the phone cord.

“Oh Bernie.”

A few hours later after a shower and a fresh set a clothes she had stopped to pick up some real food for them both at Sainsburys. She chewed at her fingernails as the lift trundled up to the fourth floor. Holding her breath she pushed into Serena’s room with a fake smile on her face. Whatever happened she was determined to be her friend. “I come bearing food.”

Serena looked up from where she was watching Ellie nurse and burst into tears. “Hey!” Setting the bag of shopping down, she moved to Serena’s side squeezing her hand, “What's wrong?”

“She won’t latch! It hurts, everything hurts, my stomach, my breasts, my head, I keep bleeding, I can’t go to the bathroom, I can hardly move. I can’t…I can’t.” Wracking sobs catching in her throat. 

Bernie grabbed some tissues and gently took the baby who cried at being lifted. Bernie gently swayed her and laid her down in the cot next to the bed and pulled Serena quietly towards her. “So you switch to formula. Then others can feed her, you don’t have to get up every four hours. It doesn’t make you any less of a mother or woman, it’s okay.” She ran her fingers through her hair gently untangling a knot she hit. “Each day will get a little better.” She dropped a kiss into her forehead. “Edward will take some time off work and help you.” She cringed as she brought him up.

Serena let out a humorless laugh, “I told him I wanted a divorce.”

Bernie pulled back, “Really?”

She nodded ducking her head and wiping her tears, “He… he’s been cheating on me. I can’t stand for that, I won’t. The bastard stood right there and told me what I already knew. He didn’t even want to hold Elinor, just asked when I was coming home. He did look at her at least.”

Bernie was glad she left, she feared she’d have been arrested for assault had she stayed. “Prick,” She grumbled, “And you shouldn’t, he doesn’t deserve you, either of you.”

Serena sighed, “I can’t even think about the legal stuff right now. I’ve called my best friend, she’s a solicitor, she said she will take care of it.”

Bernie stood up and grabbed a bottle of formula that was mixed and waiting on the bedside table. She picked up Ellie and offered her the bottle, she stopped fussing and happily suckled. Bernie watched her, a smile pulled at her mouth. Unconsciously she began swaying as she fed her. “What will you do?”

“I’ll have to get somewhere to live. I can’t afford the mortgage payments on the house on my own just yet, I’ve only been at Holby a year.”

“Move in with me.”

“Bernie… I can’t… not with a newborn.”

“Serena, I love her, I-I…please. I know you think you’ll be in the way but you won’t. I don’t have anyone… I’m not seeing anyone now, please. I’d love to have you. You’ve been to my house, there’s plenty of room and a garden in the back for when she gets older. Please?”

Serena exhaled looking from Bernie’s eager face to her daughter in her arms. 

“And besides, I’ve had your cooking, you’re always complaining I’m too thin, I think with your meals I’ll put some pounds on.”

“Ha!” She bit her bottom lip. “If you’re sure we can come for a bit, at least until we get back on our feet and I can get my own place.”

Bernie beamed, “Thank you.” She sat on the edge of the bed cradling Elinor.

“I think it's us who should be thanking you.”

That was how it began, Serena was discharged five days later. In the meantime Bernie had taken John with her to Serena’s and he helped her move the nursery into her house. By the time Serena came home the room was painted a pale green with new carpet laid, Serena’s own bedroom just across the hall was repainted also with new curtains and bedlinen. She had cried when she saw it, clinging to Bernie, her tears soaking her white shirt. 

They began taking turns doing midnight and four am feedings, Bernie had managed to get two weeks off of work to help but it seemed like both of them were in a constant state of exhaustion. Once Bernie got back to work things fell into a comfortable routine and time flew. It was Bernie who had witnessed Elinor rolling over the first time, frantically calling Serena babbling with excitement. Serena who got the first word, ducky when she wanted her favourite toy. 

Instead of sitting at home with a whisky, Bernie now rushed home to eat dinner with their little family when she worked days. She’d tossed her keys in the little cup by the door, dropped a kiss on Serena’s head and scooped up her little girl. She never told anyone but Ellie that she was her little girl, too afraid for Serena or anyone else to overhear her words. 

Some days it got too frightening, she knew Serena could leave at any time, they were just friends and technically she was still married. Going back to Edward was out of the question but Serena was an attractive woman, it wouldn’t be long before the men started knocking. 

Nights were Bernie’s favorite time, after Ellie’s bath and story time they would put pajamas on and read by the firelight. Both at opposite ends of the couch legs intertwined under a soft throw. Sometimes they would read each other interesting articles if they were leafing through journals, or bits of the paper. Some nights, usually days they both had off were nights for nothing more taxing than zoning out to Morse. Those nights Bernie liked even more because they would sit, pressed together with a bowl of popcorn between the two of them. More often than not one would fall asleep against the others shoulder. 

Bernie was brought back to the present by the crunch of foot falls on the gravel path. She beamed when she saw it was Serena. Seven months ago Serena had cut her hair, although Bernie missed the long locks she found the new shorter bob even more distracting. She stilled the swing as Ellie squealed at sight of her mum. “You’re finish a bit earlier than expected.”

“Hi sweetheart!” Serena cooed and picked Ellie up. “Yes, it was slow. I ran home and changed, saw your note.” She gestured to her soft jeans and green jumper, leaning in to peck Bernie on the cheek. She sat on a swing next to the baby one she had just taken her daughter out of. They chatted about their day and Bernie took the seat next to Serena and started to swing herself. The rubber of the seat started to bite into her bum as soon as she sat, “I was thinking about making lamb tonight.”

Bernie face lit up, “Sounds good, we had a trip to Tesco this morning and stocked the freezer up. Didn’t we?” She reached over and tickled Ellie’s stomach causing her to giggle.  
“Sian called today, my court date is set for next month.” She bounced Elinor on her lap.

Bernie almost lost her balance, Edward was not making things easy, dragging things out, wanting custody rights, and money. “Everything okay?” She pumped her feet going a bit higher. 

“Oh yes, Sian believes he doesn’t have a leg to stand on. You’ll come won’t you?” She pulled Elli closer to her. 

“Of course.” Bernie grinned, she knew Serena was worried. 

Elli squealed, wanting down and Serena stood from the swing and put her in the pram, “Ready to head home?”

Home. That word still caused a warmth to spread through Bernie’s chest. “Sure!” Instead of slowing the swing and stepping off Bernie pumped hard into the air and when the swing was at its highest she launched herself off. Something she had always done as a child, they tried to see who could jump the farthest and who could swing the highest. She miscalculated her age and height finding herself stumbling into the gravel falling to her knees, her hands coming down hard enough that they gave way and she landed hard with her face pressed into the ground. A searing pain sliced through her cheek at the impact, she gave a yelp quickly sitting up putting her hand to her face only to cry again and pull back, her fingers coated in blood.

“Bernie!” Serena sunk down next to her. “Oh, um… don’t move.” The pebbles bit into Serena’s knees and she assessed the state of Bernie’s face.

She blinked back tears, knowing by Serena’s face it wasn’t good. “I don’t…” She held her right hand out to Serena. “Fuck.” 

Serena belatedly took her hand, eyeing the glass shard that was sticking out of Bernie’s face, a few centimeters up and to the left of her lips “That’s really deep. We need to get you to the hospital.”

“I can…”

“You will not! We both know if you pull that out you could damage nerves. Did it go all the way through?” Serena stood and helped Bernie stand. 

Bernie felt around with her tongue and winced, “I don’t think so, but it's close. Fuck, it really fucking hurts!”

Serena cut her a look at the swearing, “Come on! Home to get the car.” Serena pulled her to her feet and grabbed the buggy. 

Bernie nodded sheepishly, “I guess I’m not as young as I used to be. I could out jump any of my mates in school.” Every step made the piece of glass vibrate in her face.

“You aren’t sixteen and invincible anymore, Berenice.” 

Bernie hung her head which made her face throb more. “I know.”

Serena squeezed her shoulder as they walked the few minutes back to the house. Loading Ellie into the car and Bernie sitting gingerly in the passenger seat, they headed for St. James. 

__

 

Serena had watched as an F1 was assigned to put five tight neat stitches into Bernie’s face. The cut was deep but had luckily avoided any major nerves. A brief word with the nurse sent the F1 scampering and one of Bernie’s fellow trauma surgeons stepped in the room to suture. “I’m sorry but I am not letting an F1 near your face, we don’t need you looking like Frankenstein. This is going to scar enough as it is.”

“Maybe just the bride of Frankenstein,” The doctor joked, Bernie groaned, she was never going to live the nickname down. “The chaps will be knocking down the door.” He patted her back hard, Bernie winced at the contact, missing the sour look that passed over Serena’s face.

__

 

Serena placed a plate of Chinese takeaway in front of Bernie, “So much for the lamb.” They had opted to eat in the living room, both exhausted after putting Elli down and the hours spent in the hospital.

Bernie smiled, “Less dishes this way.” They had numbed her with epi in the ED and her face felt droopy, she wasn’t sure if she was drooling or not but she knew she was slurring like a drunk. She started to eat eating carefully on just one side of her mouth, the sensation of a numb face was perturbing. She glanced over at Serena and found her just staring at her food. “Serena?”

“You know, I was thinking.” Bernie’s heart thumped, that was never good. “We’ve been here for almost a year, perhaps it's time for us to….get a place of our own, Ellie and me.”

Bernie blinked at her slowly, the low light of the room cast shadows across Serena’s face, and she refused to meet Bernie’s eyes. “What?”

“I-I’ve just been pondering. We’ve been here so long and we’re always here. You can’t do much with us around and maybe if we get a place of our own you’ll… you’ll settle down.”

“Settle down.” Bernie repeated, staring at her, her appetite suddenly gone. 

Serena nodded moving her food around her plate, not looking up. “You know… get out there…”

“I’m as settled as I ever hope to be.” Bernie moved over next to Serena. “Serena look at me. What brought all this on?”

Teary eyes met hers, “Sian… she just was surprised that we are still living together and I just thought maybe I’m- we are holding you back.” She didn’t mention the ED doctors words.

“Do you want to leave?” Her fingers traced the outline of Serena’s jaw. 

“No- no.” Dark eyes stared at Bernie she bit her lip trying not to cry. “I just… there might be someone out there for you.”

“Did Sian say it would help your case if you moved out?”

The brunette’s eyes widened, “No, not at all, she just got me thinking…”

Bernie felt as though she was standing on the edge of a cliff, one step forward she’d fall, but what if she flew? “Serena.” She took her hands in hers wincing as tried to move her face, it all felt prickly. “You are enough, you and Ellie. No matter what happens you will always have a place here, and I want you to know that I don’t want you to leave.” Her finger traced Serena’s cheek. “I love you, both of you.”

“I love you too, so much.” She nuzzled into her hand, “More than I probably should.”

Bernie’s heart was pounding so hard she wasn’t sure she heard correctly. “What, what did you say?” 

Serena tried to pull her hands free, tried to stand and leave but Bernie held fast, “Nothing, it's silly.”

“Serena.” She pulled her back her hand sliding up her neck, her thumb tracing over her pulse point thudding against the pad, “It's not nothing, it's not silly.” She breathed, pausing for a split second before bringing their lips together, both froze at the first touch. Pulling back, Bernie searched Serena’s eyes, instead of fear she saw wonder and love. How had she missed it before? After everything they had been through this past year. She brought her lips back to Serena’s gently kissing her, it so sweet and oh so soft. She closed her eyes letting herself fall, her arm encircled Serena’s waist pulling her close. She smiled when she felt her kiss her back. She opened her mouth to nibble on her lower lip when she felt the stitches pull. “Ow.”

Serena jerked back, “What? I’m sorry did I-“

“No no, it’s the stitches, I think the epi is wearing off.” She cringed pulling back but grasping Serena’s hands and twined their fingers. She looked at her in awe, “Am I dreaming, did I hit my head when I jumped?”

Serena beamed, “If you did, I’m right there with you, Bernie… are you sure?”

“Yes! Yes I’m sure, I mean… I’ve… it's been… wanting… but how?”

She giggled, “Since I first walked in when we came home from the hospital and saw her room. I knew I was in love with you then but I didn’t think you could love me that way. I   
thought it go away, that it was just all the hormones and stuff with Edward, but instead of going away they just got stronger.”

Bernie smiled, “I’m so glad.” She gently brushed her lips to Serena’s, “That night you went into labour, I knew but I felt I needed to push my feelings away, if all I got to be was your friend and an Auntie to Ellie that would be enough just to have you in my life.”

Serena pulled her close burrowing her nose into Bernie’s neck letting her hands run down her back inhaling the scent that was Bernie herself her lips unable to resist kissing the soft skin of her neck, “Would you stay in my room tonight? Just…. just hold me? Until this whole mess is done with Edward, I don’t want to… I don’t want to give him any ammunition to use against me,” She pulled back, “against us.” Brushing her blonde hair out of the way her fingers traced her eyebrows. 

“Of course.” Dark eyes fluttered shut.

“You are so beautiful. Do you know much I’ve wanted to kiss you?” She softly touched her lips to Bernie’s, “And now I can.”

“Please do.” Bernie forced herself to keep the kiss light, pulling back and tapping her on the nose she stood, “Go get ready for bed, I’ll put this food away and meet you in your room?”

Serena blushed, “Deal.”

After changing herself and checking on Elinor, Bernie slipped into Serena’s room. They had shared a bed in the past but this was different. Bernie stepped into the room just as Serena was pulling down her oversized T-Shirt, Bernie caught sight of the pink scar bisecting her midsection. “Does it still hurt?”

Serena’s hand fell to her stomach gently tracing the line under her shirt. “Not really, now it’s just a very ugly reminder.” She slid under the cool sheets. 

“Hey, anything that brought that little girl into our lives is not ugly.” She tentatively reached out and laid her hand on her stomach next to her fingers. 

Serena linked their fingers, “Not that way, it's just… the scar, it’s unattractive, who wants to see that.”

Bernie smirked saucily, “I must say Ms McKinnie that would be me.” She tilted Serena’s head towards hers and softly kissed her, both sighed into the kiss as they slid under the covers. Bernie pulled Serena into her arms and tucked her head under her chin, “This okay?”

“Mmm perfect,” Serena murmured curling her arm around Bernie’s waist. “How’s your face Ms Frankenstein.”

“Oh no, not you too, it's bad enough I’ll get that at work.”

“Well you might as well get used to it now.” They both fell asleep cuddled together with smiles on their faces.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you all for your kind words and for going on this journey with me!


End file.
